Most of us love a good holiday, but there are some definite rules for making sure that relaxing break doesn’t turn into the “trip that’s never mentioned”.
TIP 1: PLANNING AND RESEARCH
Sure, that hotels sounds amazing judging by its description on the website-of course it does, they want your flipping money.
Of course that hotel looks great on the website with its glossy pictures of skinny, suntanned blondes and smiling families lounging around a sparkling blue pool under clear blue skies.
Naturally, the description reassures you that the beach is within a 10 minute walk, as are shops, bars and restaurants.
What they dont tell you is that the 10 minute walk will require you to cover ground at an approximate speed of usain bolt. Possibly achievable apart from the fact that they forgot to mention there is either a bloody great mountain or 8 lane freeway that needs navigating before you can even think about making your way to the beach. A beach, incidentally, that will probably be crowded with either fellow stressed holiday makers who have finally defeated that bloody great mountain, or smug self important people who can afford to stay “on the beach” and exchange knowing looks with their counterparts whilst sipping their cocktails and lounging on personalised designer towels.
What they forgot to mention, was that those skinny, suntanned blondes will in reality, be overweight, pasty, brits(or germans) with wobbly bits on show that would be firmly tucked away back home. This will of course be a great source of dissapointment to the male members of your party who only agreed to a “beach holiday” with the firm conviction that he would be spending his time hiding behind his sunglasses and not so subtly eyeing up the talent promised on the website. The smiling families will be promptly replaced with a miserable mum who just wants to display her wobbly bits to the sun that is grudgingly trying to escape from the clouds that have been holding it captive every day of your holiday. The dad will be indulging in some day time alcohol consumption whilst trying to make himself sound sooo much more important that he actually is. Of course that order picking job could be described as product management and placement for a multi national company(in the loosest possible sense). Whilst this is going on, of course their little darlings will be running riot-“cos their on oliday aint they”. The second you have settled down on your hard won sun lounger to read your latest book, a tidal wave created by one of those darlings will be rapidly making its way towards you accompanied by incessant high pitched “noise”. Book ruined, sunlounger soaked you might retire to the bar area for some peace and quiet, only to find those same unruly little darlings are now loudly demanding more fizzy drinks whilst attempting to be spiderman with the potted plants.
These people will be your “pool mates” for the duration of your holiday.
Oh and that lovely large room in the picture-yeah, that wont be yours. Yours will be about a quarter of the size with badly mis-matched bedding and will be located directly overlooking the building site which is destined to be a complete clone of the less than salubrious surroundings that you have now found yourself in.
Look the hotel up on a map and read independent reviews before you book and there is a slight chance that you may avoid some(but probably not all) of the dissapointments above. It must be noted though that no review or map is going to guarantee those suntanned blondes.
TIP 2: COMPANIONS
Sharing your precious “time off” with the right people can make the experience memorable or something you hope to forget.
Whilst it might of seemed a great idea at the time when that “friend” you know from quick 5 minute chats at the school gate suggests you ” must go away together sometime”, the reality is likely to be far from relaxing.
You will probably realise before you’ve even set foot on the plane that you have made a grave mistake and are now going to be spending your holiday doing everything you can to avoid her. You will spot the hidden eye roll to her perfectly presented, spotless well mannered children whilst yours are running up and down the airplane aisle covered in melted chocolate, hair looking like they have been dragged through a hedge backwards whilst simultaneously manager to throw the mother of all tantrums because the bloke behind them “smells funny”. Why dont they make those damn bottles of wine on the plane bigger-those mouthfuls in a plastic bottle are in no way sufficient to get you through this.
If its not the judgemental “friend”, it could be even worse – the mother in law!. Now on paper, this could be ideal-a readily available free babysitter so that you can go clubbing in a pitiful attempt to convince yourself that there is still a little youth left in you. By the time 11pm rolls around, you will realise things couldn’t be further from the truth as you eagerly head towards your bed whilst those that actually do possess some youth are just heading out.
Your planned quick trip down to the shop will now eat up approximately half of your alloted sunbathing time as the mother in law has decided she must come along and help. Great, if it didn’t take 60mins of faffing around to choose a comfortable outfit, then find purse, sunglasses, foreign phrase book(just in case they don’t speak english) before finally doing the required stretches before she could possibly contemplate tackling the 8 steps to the ground floor. Having safely navigated this obstacle, the rest of the journey will be peppered with regular complaints about “me back” or “me knees”. After frequent stops for a “breather”, you will arrive at the supermarket to find they are now shut for lunch. Cue accusing looks and muttered comments of “didn’t you think to check the opening times before dragging me down here”. On the plus side, she will likely need a lie down now so you can have a few hours peace.
I would just like to point out that this is no way based on any mother in law i currently know but just a general observation!!
So choose your companions wisely, or even better GO ON HOLIDAY ALONE for total relaxation.
I hope you enjoyed reading these tips, there may be more to follow soon